همه از خداییم

من تا حالا آگهی ترحیم ِ خارجی‌ها رُ ندیده بودم. ولی چند روز پیش یکی به دست‌ام رسید. یه ترجمه هم براش نوشتم:

Dear Residents:

The family of XXX are sorry to inform you that our coworker and friend Henry, passed away Tuesday November 26th. We will be hosting a celebration of life on December 31st at 2pm, in the XXX Apts activity room.

On Tuesday December 3rd from 3-5pm there is an opportunity for you to come down and share memories with neighbors and have coffee in the XXX Activity Room.

While we understand there may be questions we do not have any other information to share with you at this time.

Sincerely,
XXX Staff

همه از خداییم، به سوی او می‌رویم
ساکنین عزیز

خانواده‌ی XXX با کمال تاسف به آگاهی ِ شما می‌رساند که دوست و همکار عزیزمان Henry روز سه‌شنبه ۲۶ نوامبر درگذشت. به همین مناسبت مراسم بزرگداشتی روز ۳۱ دسامبر ساعت ۲ بعد از ظهر در سالنِ همایشِ مجتمع ِ XXX برگزار خواهد شد.

در روز سه‌شنبه سوم دسامبر از ساعت ۳ تا ۵ بعد از ظهر، فرصتی فراهم است تا گرد هم آیید و خاطرات‌تان را با همسایگان در میان بگذارید و در سالن همایش XXX قهوه بنوشید.

با این‌که می‌دانیم ممکن است پرسش‌هایی داشته باشید، هم اکنون اطلاعات بیش‌تری برای این‌که با شما در میان بگذاریم نداریم.

ارادتمند
کارکنان XXX

همون‌طور که می‌بینید خارجی‌ها به جای این‌که دور هم جمع بشن و برای رفتگان فاتحه بفرستند، برای درگذشت‌گان‌شون خاطره می‌فرستند، باشد که روح‌شان آرام گیرد.

for your own good

Sometimes life is not what we expect it to be, and that makes us sad because we want it to be like something that is nearly impossible to be. There is always a reason for anything that happens in one's life, and from what I have learned, that's for your own good, no matter how hard the circumstances might become, no matter how harsh the events, that is something that leads us to the final blessing in the judgement day.
In that day, you will sort of look back to your life, to all you have been through, you will nod and smile and maybe with a few drops of tear, you will thank God, for letting you grow and for letting you be what you are! So enjoy the pain! Strive for more! Little is not enough! Cry loud when you feel the pain and never forget! that this is for your own good!

پا شو بریم فنی

امروز می‌خوام به مناسبت نوروزِ باستانی که از قدیم موردِ احترام همه‌ی ایرانیان بوده یک جوک براتون تعریف کنم تا بخندید و شاد بشید. این جوک خارجکیه و نیاز به ترجمه و توضیح داره:

So three women and their daughters are in a doctor's waiting room. The doctor comes out and says to the first woman

سه تا خانم با دخترهاشون توی مطب دکتر نشسته بودند. دکتر می‌آد بیرون و به اولین خانم می‌گه:

Mrs Smith, I don't know why you keep coming here; all your problems come down to the fact that you're obsessed with money. Look, you're so obsessed with money that you named your daughter Penny.

خانم اسمیت، شما برای چی ان‌قدر می‌آیید این‌جا؟ همه‌ی مشکلاتِ شما مربوط به این می‌شه که همه‌ی فکر و ذکرتون شده پول. نگاه کنید، ان‌قدر ذهن‌تون درگیرِ پوله که اسم دخترتون رُ گذاشته‌اید پنی.

He says to the second woman:
Mrs Jones, I don't know why you keep coming here; all your problems come down to the fact that you're obsessed with alcohol. Look, you're so obsessed with alcohol that you named your daughter Sherry.

بعد رو می‌کنه به دومین خانم و می‌گه:
خانم جونز، شما برای چی ان‌قدر می‌آیید این‌جا؟ همه‌ی مشکلاتِ شما فقط مربوط به این می‌شه که فکر و ذکرتون شده الکل. نگاه کنید، ان‌قدر ذهن‌تون درگیرِ الکله که اسم دخترتون رُ گذاشته‌اید شِری.

The third woman stands up and says to her daughter:
Come on Fanny, we're leaving.

خانم سوم از جاش بلند می‌شه و به دخترش می‌گه:
فنی، پا شو بریم!

توضیح اینکه Fanny کوتاه شده‌ی نام ِ Stephanie هست. در زبان کوچه‌بازاری Fanny به یکی از اندام‌های خانم‌ها گفته می‌شه.

با مزه بود نه؟

نژاد پرستی

- Hi!
- Hi
- How are you?
- Fine thanks, and you? speaking at elementary levels!
- Please shed some light on me by teaching me something important. something that you think matters. (intermediate level!)
- Tonight I faced the ugly side of Sydney while walking across the McDonald street. two drunk guys told me racist words! cos they thought I was Arab. I behaved like Jesus at that moment, allowed them to say what they wanted to say. and just gave them a smile and told 'em I am not Arab but racists like you are idiots.
- What were their words exactly?
- light words! They were laughing and saying "I don't want to be a fucking Arab!". I am not like Arabs really, am I? how idiots they are! the first day they've mistaken me with Italians, now with Arabs!
- Why do you think they insulted you?
- I don't know why! I am not in their ill mind. I don't understand why some people think they are better just because they've been born elsewhere. I even doubt they were Aussie. cos their accents were like Americans.
- Let me repeat my question. why do you think they insulted you? they just said "they don't want to be like Arabs"
- They said fucking Arabs!
- I agree that they insulted Arabs! but I don't agree that they insulted you!
- Yes exactly! that is why I didn't get annoyed at that time (but then I thought what if they said f*** Iranian. and what if they even thought Iranians are Arab)
- I also want to say that I do not agree that they insulted Arabs. because their words when they said "I hate to be like a fucking Arab" simply means "they don't like to be like a bad Arab! they are friends with good Arabs!". likewise we can say "we don't like to be like fucking Australians!" this does not mean all Aussies are bad! it just means we do not want to be like the bad ones :)
- Devil philosophical explanation that only you can make! :) but you should agree that they disturbed my privacy by shouting near my face at least.
- Did you call the police? are you aware of your civil rights?
- No. I don't know them exactly. I'm talking to you from a humanity perspective, not rigid laws
- You know, it takes time to behave like humans. and Aussies are no exception. You have to get along with them!
- Agree!
- There is always a difference between a man from the land of Persia, and a convicted murderer deported from the land of fishes with cold blue eyes. Have this on your mind all the time, and you never get insulted!

پدر

- What's up?
- I am off the heroin
- Why?!
- Because of my daughter who was born last week
- Would heroin hurt your daughter?
- No
- So what?
- She asked me for giving it up
- But she may be wrong! Maybe you should keep using it. Your daughter is only a few days old! She knows nothing!
- I don't care
- Oh sweetheart! That's what fathers are! They don't care, they just love their daughters!

Is it safe to travel to Norway

Hi, I am from Iran. I'm hoping to travel to Norway in Aug. My friends think I have gone crazy! they do not want me to go, and think its not safe. I have heard that suicide-bombers are all around the city and it's not safe to go for a walk in the streets alone. Is it something that happens everyday or is it just the media making it sound alot worse than what it is?

To be honest not many people I know, know much about Norway and the first reaction to my decision is No Way! I think Norway is not what everyone perceives it to be. I do not believe everything I read in the media but I'm a little apprehensive about taking this trip. Any advice or tips from anyone who has been recently to Norway would be greatly appreciated!

سیاه چاله

There is no such thing as a black hole kiddy!
Never trust you parents!
They are telling you this to frighten you!

آدم و حوا

آخرهای کتاب Timequake یه تیکه از یه نمایش‌نامه هست در مورد آدم و حوا. خدا هر سال می‌اومده درِ خونه‌ی آدم و حوا و ازشون می‌پرسیده اوضاع چه‌طوره و این دو تا هم همیشه می‌گفته‌اند همه چیز ردیفه. تا این‌که یه بار به خدا می‌گن همه چیز خوبه فقط اگر یه روزی همه چیز تموم بشه خیلی ردیف‌تر می‌شه اوضاع!

That puts me in mind of a scene from a play of George Bernard Shaw's, his manmade timequake Back to Methuselah. The whole play is ten-hours long! The last time it was performed in its entirety was in 1922, the year I was born. The scene: Adam and Eve, who have been around for a long time now, are waiting at the gate of their prosperous and peaceful and beautiful farm for the annual visit from their landlord, God. During every previous visit, and there have been hundreds of them by now, they could tell Him only that everything was nice and that they were grateful. This time, though, Adam and Eve are all keyed up, scared but proud. They have something new they want to talk to God about. So God shows up, genial, big and hale and hearty, like my grandfather the brewer Albeit Lieber. He asks if everything is satisfactory, and thinks He knows the answer, since what He has created is as perfect as He can make it. Adam and Eve, more in love than they have ever been before, tell Him that they like life all right, but that they would like it even better if they could know that it was going to end sometime.

بیایید ما هم دعا کنیم همه چیز یه روزی ردیف‌تر بشه.

آمین

من یک رویا دارم...

آیا هنوز عاشق هستید؟

if you are married,
before you get to home,
buy your wife some flowers and surprise her on your arrival
show her that there is still something called love inside of you
show her that you still love her as much as you did on the first day
show her that a true love happens once and never dies
show her that you sill strive for passion
show her that her father was not wrong when he accepted you as his Gholam :D

فقط می‌خوام نفسِ عمیق بکشم؛ کاری‌ام نداشه باش

» دیده‌اید بعضی وقت‌ها می‌خواهید نفسِ عمیق بکشید ولی نمی‌شه؟ دلیل‌اش اینه که خدا فکر می‌کنه ما می‌خواهیم آه بکشیم. بعد خودش می‌دونه که این آه از صد تا فحش هم براش بدتره. فوری جلوش رُ می‌گیره.
ممکنه بپرسید مگه خدا از همه چیز خبر نداره؟ پس چرا وقتی می‌دونه ما نمی‌خواهیم آه بکشیم جلوی نفسِ عمیق‌مون رُ می‌گیره؟
جواب اینه که درسته، خدا همه چیز رُ می‌دونه. ولی یکی از توانایی‌های خدا اینه که به هر چیزی فکر کنه اون چیز اتفاق می‌افته. یعنی همون لحظه‌ای که فکر می‌کنه ما می‌خواهیم آه بکشیم حتا اگر ما قرار بوده فقط یه نفسِ عمیق بکشیم هم دیگه مجبوریم آه بکشیم چون خدا فکر کرده که ما قرار آه بکشیم. اینه که خدا هم مجبوره جلوش رُ بگیره دیگه! یعنی در واقع می‌شه گفت یکی از توانایی‌های خدا اینه که می‌تونه به یه چیزی فکر کنه و قبل از این‌که اون چیز اتفاق بیافته جلوش رُ هم بگیره حتا! با یه همچین موجودی طرف هستیم!

» دیروز زیر آفتاب وایستاده بودم منتظر ماشین بودم می‌خواستم از نقطه‌ی کاف برم نقطه‌ی خ. سر راه‌مون هم نقطه‌ی الف وجود داشت. یه ماشین جلوم ترمز زد گفتم خ. گفت نه من فقط تا الف می‌رم. گفتم پس هیچی خدافظ. اون هم رفت. ولی چند متر که رفت جلو ترمز زد دنده عقب گرفت برگشت. گفت من که به هر حال دارم تا الف می‌رم. خالی هم دارم می‌رم. پس سوار شو تا اون‌جا برسونم‌ات که زیرِ آفتاب وای نایستی! اولین بار بود که با یه همچین طرزِ فکری روبه‌رو می‌شدم. جالب بود برام :)

» این خیلی خوبه که بعضی چیزها نامفهوم هستند. آدم می‌تونه همون‌جوری که خودش دوست داره برداشت کنه و با همون برداشت زندگی کنه تا آخرِ عمر. می‌شه با چیزی زندگی کرد که هیچ‌وقت حقیقت نداشته. حتا برای یک ثانیه

» یه جمله‌ای هست که من به‌ش اعتقاد دارم. نمی‌دونم از کیه، ولی خیلی عالیه (در این حد که دوست دارم قاب‌اش کنم بزنم به دیوار)

There was once a little girl
Who was a queen
Well, she wasn't really
But she believed it
And so she was

خبر خوب برای همه‌ی مردم دنیا

- good news! guess what!
- chi?
- guess what the f*ck
- you are pregnant?
- no, no...........
- am I ?
- no..... noo..........
- then what?
- the good news is that, I am going to update my blog!
- OMG! :O such a f*cking news, thanks man
- yes, that's pretty much it. no problem

The Story of a Jellyfish

Last night I had a dream...
I was a jellyfish, deep inside the blue oceans
I was hungry, looking for something to eat, looking for some fish to make her say goodbye to life
All of a sudden, I felt something bad, something really bad, something the same was happening to me, I was about to say goodbye to life forever
It was then when I remembered what I had learned from my parents to escape the NMEs
I started scratching my ass from behind, I scratched it over and over, until the NME was gone and I thanked God for the new life he had given me

Yet again, I was hungry

Life is short

Do not hesitate to french ki ss and thank the ambulance driver when he is passing the red light, trying to save your life. Tell him life is short, that's why you are trying to appreciate his effort to make it longer!

دروغ، حقیقت، رهایی

Did you ever notice that one of the first things they teach you in life is to lie?

I am starting to get a hint what “born again” really means and it makes sense.

By the time we are adults and age a little, we discover that we are so full of garbage that has accumulated in our lives we almost have to forget everything and learn all over again.
That which we thought and was taught to be true in many cases was not.  From science to religion and governance, no one can escape the lie.
It is getting so bad I wonder if most people would know the truth if it stared them in the face and truth introduced itself.
That is a little scary isn’t it?  On the other hand people were probably always like this and there is no such thing as the “good old days”.
I think realizing that truth is rare and precious is the first step in becoming free.

[reference]

Delightful

fallen angel: can I ask you a bunch of questions for an interview-like thing?
somebody: sure, I'd be happy to answer them all :)
fallen angel: okay

fallen angel: Who was the most important person in your life? Can you tell me about him or her?
somebody: well, I think it was my father and mother, because they helped me a lot to become who I am now
fallen angel: kool

fallen angel: Who has been the kindest to you in your life?
somebody: my mother
fallen angel: seems that mothers always are
somebody: yea :) they are

fallen angel: What is your earliest memory?
somebody: earliest nicest? sadest?
fallen angel: eairliest period
somebody: hmm, nothing specifically
fallen angel: huh

fallen angel: If you could hold on to one memory from your life for eternity, what would that be?
somebody: the time being in high school, it was the most delightful period of my life
fallen angel: cool

fallen angel: How has your life been different than what you'd imagined?
somebody: well, I'd never thought much about the way I could build my future. I had always had this in my mind that future will happen the way it wants, no matter we like it or not, I mean, I believe that our efforts has the least effect on defining it, so, I have always tried to, just to be nice to other people, to make them happy as much as I can, for it will return to me in future
fallen angel: holy crap that is deep
somebody: :)

fallen angel: How would you like to be remembered?
somebody: remebered as someone who made a difference
fallen angel: how so
fallen angel: what diffrence
somebody: hmm...
somebody: I don't know, being different happens, I want it to happen, just don't know how!
fallen angel: lol

fallen angel: Do you have any regrets?
somebody: No, I have always made the right decesions in the right moments, so I don't regret anything
fallen angel: kool
somebody: you know
somebody: there is nothing to regret for anybody, we all think that our decesions are the best when we are making them, so there is no point in regreting in future
fallen angel: again deep

fallen angel: What does your future hold?
somebody: my long-term future holds everything that I have in my dreams, everything that have been put in my mind from the very beginning, from the day I came to life,
somebody: but if you ask me about short-term futures, as I told you, it's out of my hands
fallen angel: yes true

fallen angel: When and where were you born?
Where did you grow up?
What was it like?
fallen angel: sorry felt like just lumping those 2 get her
somebody: I was born and grown up in ... . You know it was really cool, all of my childhood and adolescenthood, I really miss those days, there was no pain, no bad memories, I'm happy for that
fallen angel: sounds awsome
somebody: yea, really awesome

fallen angel: What is your best memory of childhood? Worst?
somebody: Well, being apart from my mother and father for one month was really different, for they went on a journey and I was left to my relatives. My grandma, my dear cousin, my aunt, my uncles, you know, they made it really easy for me to experience a new kind of life, and I liked it
fallen angel: sounds like fun my rents would never do that

fallen angel: thank you
somebody: you are welcome
fallen angel: *highfives*
somebody: *highfives* back
fallen angel: lol

دعا، باگ

امروز دو نفر بدون این‌که من ازشون بخوام برام دعا کردن :) از صمیم قلب. من هم ازشون ممنون‌ام. چون این دعاها خیلی برای من ارزش دارن. تازه نفر دوم گفت تا حالا نشده برای کسی از ته دل دعا کنه و برآورده نشه : ) خوش‌حال شدم، خیلی

حالا خواستم یه چیز دیگه بگم. داشتم فکر می‌کردم جمله‌ی زیر به انگلیسی چی می‌شه؟

«اگر فکر نکنی، انجام ندادن هر کاری ممکنه برات عذاب بشه»

منظورم بیش‌تر قسمت دوم جمله‌اس. «انجام ندادن هر کاری» چی می‌شه به انگلیسی؟ چیزهای زیر به ذهن‌ام رسید، ولی هرکدوم یه معنی بی‌ربط می‌ده:

not doing everything might make you feel guilty

این که یعنی «همه کاری نکردن»

not doing anything …

این هم که می‌شه «هیچ کاری نکردن»

doing not everything ...

این هم که یعنی «هر کاری نکردن»

پس چی می‌شه؟ شما می‌تونید کمک‌ام کنید؟ الان که فکر می‌کنم می‌بینم شاید نشه هیچ‌وقت این عبارت رُ به انگلیسی ترجمه کرد. یعنی گرامر زبان انگلیسی باگ داره؟

پ.ن.
فکر کردم ممکنه این درست باشه، شاید

Not doing something every now and then, might make you feel guilty

بای باس

What do you want to go to school by bus? Huh?!

زندگی

خیلی وقت بود می‌خواستم فیلم stay را ببینم. فیلم خوبی بود. درباره‌ی این بود که زندگی چیزی جز یک خواب نیست.

One of the first times I met you
You said, you didn't know what was real anymore
And I said that I did
But I was wrong
I don't know what's real anymore

You are...
You are real
You are trying to save me but it's too late
Because I gotta wake up

You are awake!
Look around you! This is a dream the whole world is inside it!

It hurts too much...

دیالوگی که در متن اصلی نمایشنامه گفته می‌شه [pdf] خیلی بیش‌تر از چیزیه که توی فیلم بود. بخونیدش بد نیست.

Fortune Cookie

☺ Your troubles will cease and
fortune will smile upon you ☺
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